Stephen Colbert is jumping in on the health supplement grift with his brand new “pudding pills,” which he jokes are “too healthy for FDA approval.”
The host made the joke on Tuesday’s (December 10) episode of The Late Show as he talked about Donald Trump‘s nominees for his incoming second administration and how many of them seem to sell vitamins and health supplements on the side.
“We don’t know exactly what Trump’s appointees are going to do in office, but we know that most of them are doing this right now, they’re hawking unregulated pills,” Colbert said in his opening monologue. “Because a bunch of Trump’s nominees are selling vitamins on the side.”
“For starters, Trump’s pick to lead the FBI, Kash Patel… has been on Truth Social promoting pills that he says can ‘rid your body of the harms from COVID-19 vaccines,’” Colbert continued. “Oh, so maybe Nicki Minaj’s cousin’s friend was right; it does inflate your testicles. It must, because selling these fake pills takes giant balls.”
He then turned his attention to Trump’s pick for Surgeon General, Fox News Medical contributor Dr Janet Nesheiwat, who “sells a supplement called a BC boost.”
“The website has helpful answers to all of your questions,” Colbert added, “like, ‘How large are the capsules?’ The answer: Size one capsule.”
Colbert then focused on Trump’s pick of Health Secretary, Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whom he described as looking like “an angry Slim Jim.”
“Junior is on the record as saying he takes a ton of vitamins and nutrients, which is why he’s seen as an ideal ally of the supplement industry, as well as some of the biggest customers, who are known as crunchy moms,” he added. “Crunchy moms, of course, also Kellogg’s least successful breakfast cereal. They’re your mom!”
Colbert said he thinks it’s “wrong” that these public figures are using their power to “get rich on untested supplements” when he’s “not doing that.”
“But that ends tonight,” he continued before introducing “Dr Stephen Colbert’s Miracle Pudding Pills.”
“These pills are jam-packed with pudding macronutrients, most of which are deemed too healthy for FDA approval, using the time-tested power of pudding,” he explained, adding that “these pills will eliminate toxins, boost your immune system, and give you an erection that will last for 40 years. And if you don’t have a penis, they’ll grow you one.”
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“Critics might say, ‘But Doctor Steve, aren’t these pudding pills just Peanut M&Ms?’ Not anymore… because I licked off all the Ms,” Colbert quipped.
Elsewhere on the show, Colbert touched on Trump’s recent pick of former Missouri Rep. Billy Long to lead the IRS. As the comedian pointed out, Long once co-sponsored a bill to abolish the IRS when he first joined Congress.
“Do all of Trump’s nominees want to destroy the agency they’re going to lead?” Colbert asked. “I look forward to Secretary of Agriculture, Jim Locust.”
Colbert did find “one redeeming quality” about Long, however, as he played a clip from a 2018 congressional hearing where Long shut down a protestor by using his experience as a former professional auctioneer.
“God, I love that. I hope that’s how he gets out of all awkward situations,” Colbert said.
You can watch Colbert’s full opening monologue in the video above.
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, Weeknights, 11:35/10:35 c, CBS
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